im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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