Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
