your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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