would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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