It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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