you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
