I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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