remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
