Don't you send me to vm
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
