I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
