Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
