Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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