We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Randomize
