In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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