I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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