I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
