you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
