I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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