Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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