Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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