...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
