my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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