you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
