Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
