wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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