Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
