Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
