Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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