By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
