well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
