you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
