I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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