why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
