And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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