Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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