Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
