I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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