I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
