The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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