I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
