My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
What drink are we having for lunch?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
