I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
