I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
