we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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