Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
