So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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