when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
