i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
