I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's shark week go big or go home
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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