He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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